My Insomnia Rantings

...

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 17:39:15 GMT

I'm not entirely sure what has been wrong with me for the past month or two. I've just been in such a shitty mood...

No particular reason, just miserable. Completely miserable. I don't want to do anything besides sleep and cuddle and do nothing. I don't want to go to classes, I don't want to be around people. But I don't want to be alone either, so I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I can't figure it out, and that's driving me even more nuts. I just don't know what to do. I've been trying to just plow through everything, trying to put a smile on my face...

It's not working so well...

I'm just always on the verge of screaming, crying, throwing things...

I don't get it.

Grad School and life or lack thereof

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 15:53:06 GMT

So I'm in my second year of Graduate school. For the most part I still like the classes and professors. With the obvious exception of the devil woman herself that teaches Critical Thinking. That class is going to be the bain of my existence, as it has been for many Grad Students in the Education program at Sage. If I pass the damn class, I'll be thrilled. I don't care WHAT grade I get in it, as long as it's high enough to pass.

Other than that, life is pretty boring. But I guess that's mostly because I don't have much of a life. I work at Price Chopper, the Library, go to classes, do homework (usually), eat, try to sleep, and occasionally see Anthony. That's about it. I can't wait until I can have ONE job, and have that ONE job be enough to pay all my bills, and be comfortable enough. That would be AWESOME lol. Someday. Who knows when, but someday.

Christmas is coming up way too soon. We'll have to see if I can actually think of things to get for people. I think I know what I want to get for mom and dad, as long as Jason is still willing to chip in towards it. Besides them, I'm pretty clueless though. I have a few ideas here and there, but not a lot.

Still looking at houses, and lots of land, and manufactured homes. Will be nice once we can afford to move. I know it won't be that soon, but hopefully not too far away either. I guess four years on a college campus and going on two years in an apartment is enough for a country girl who's used to lots of space! Oh well. Again, someday. I think about what everyone says about the housing market, then I look at prices around here, and I laugh. Doesn't look like prices went down around here very much.

My newest song obsession...

I know what you're thinkin'
We were goin' down
I can feel the sinkin'
But then I came around

And everyone I've loved before
Flashed before my eyes
And nothin' mattered anymore
I looked into the sky

Well we all want something better than
We wish for something new
Well we all want something beautiful
Wish for something true
Been lookin' for a reason and
Something to lose

When the wheels come down
When the wheels touch ground
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)

Now your head is spinnin'
Broken hearts will mend
This is our beginning
Comin to an end

Well, you wanted something beautiful
You wished for something new
Well, you wanted something better than
Wished for something true
Been lookin for a reason and
Something to lose

When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
When the wheels touch ground (When the wheels touch ground)
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
Oh!

When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
When the wheels touch ground (When the wheels touch ground)
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)

When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
When the wheels touch ground (When the wheels touch ground)
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
Foo Fighters - Wheels

once a dreamer, always a dreamer...

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 17:38:35 GMT

Before you met me i was a fairy princess
I caught frogs and called them prince
And made myself a queen
Before you knew me i traveled 'round the world
I slept in castles and fell in love
Because i was taught to dream
I found mayonnaise bottles and poked holes on top
To capture tinkerbell
They were just fireflies to the untrained eye
But i could always tell

[chorus]
I believe in fairytales and dreamers dreams like bed sheet sails
And i believe in peter pan and miracles
And anything i can to get by
And fireflies

Before i grew up i saw you on a cloud
I could bless myself in your name and pat you on your wings
Before i grew up i heard you whisper so loud
"life is hard, and so is love, child, believe in all these things"
I found mayonnaise bottles and poked holes on top
To capture tinkerbell
And they were just fireflies to the untrained eye
But i could always tell

[chorus]

Before you met me i was a fairy princess
I caught frogs and called them prince
And made myself a queen
Before you knew me i traveled 'round the world
And i slept in castles and fell in love
Because i was taught to dream
-Fireflies - Faith Hill

Summer = Camp time

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 00:41:43 GMT

So it's summer, which means it's time to head to camp. Taking a little bit of time off this summer, which isn't something I normally do. I've taken off a day or two in the past, but not normally any more than that. This year we're going up to Star Lake for almost a whole week. I don't even know what we're gonna do for a week lol. I hope it'll be a nice break though. Even though I had this past week mostly off since school is over and I only worked a few days at the library, it didn't feel like a week off since I was getting ready for camp, and working on the scrapbook for mom, and cleaning and trying to get ready for Star Lake too.

Just sucks that I'll get my next check from Sage while we're up in Star Lake. I'm pretty broke these days. My own fault though, I paid my car payment for July already, so I wouldn't forget being at camp and up in Star Lake, and I got my prescription, so between the two things that was over $300. Oh well. I have some money, and that's all I need.

Sooooooooooooooo... as far as next year goes I think I'm gonna work at the library, do classes, and take some time for me. I feel selfish, but I think I'll lose my mind if I try to do as much this year as I did last year. I just wanted to quit so many times last year. I didn't know what to do. I was so tired, and strung out from being at school during the week for over 40 hours, then have classes 6-9 hours a week, plus 3 or more hours at the library, then on top of that, homework, oh and sleep. I don't know.

I'm still having a lot of doubts in general about being a teacher. I don't know if I can do it. I just don't know. It scares the hell out of me just thinking about it. I mean I couldn't even handle a class of 20 5th graders. Granted they were a tough group, but still, I couldn't handle them. What makes me think I can handle my own classroom that will most likely have more than 20 kids? I don't know. I don't know if I'm smart enough. I don't know that much about the "classics", I need to read so many books to catch up to other people in my field, but I don't know when. I don't know if I could come up with the assignments and projects for kids to do, or be creative enough. I don't know if I have the patience, if I could stand it. I am pretty sure I WANT to be a teacher, but I don't want to be a bad teacher. I don't want to be one of those teachers that everyone hates, that never knows what's going on, that only gives boring ass assignments. I don't know. I've had so many arguments with myself it's not even funny. My biggest problem is, what would I do if I don't become a teacher? I'm not good at anything, there's nothing I'm majorly interested in, so what the hell would I do? I don't know.

Slow down, you crazy child
you're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart, tell me
Why are you still so afraid?

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You'd better cool it off before you burn it out
You've got so much to do and
Only so many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told..
That you can get what you want or you get old
You're gonna kick off before you even
Get halfway through
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight
Tonight,...
Too bad but it's the life you lead
you're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong, you know
You can't always see when you're right. you're right

You've got your passion, you've got your pride
but don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you crazy child
and take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile
it's all right, you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize,..Vienna waits for you?
And you know that when the truth is told
that you can get what you want or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get half through
Why don't you realize,. Vienna waits for you
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?
-Vienna - Billy Joel

March/April

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 01:16:56 GMT

So it's April already. Well, as of tomorrow anyway. I can't believe how fast time is going. I can't believe the school year is almost over. Third quarter ends for my kids next Friday. Wow. I can't believe it.

I can't wait until grad classes are over for the semester. I shouldn't have taken four classes at once. That was foolish. But hopefully I'll pass them all, and it'll be okay. Otherwise, it'll REALLY suck.

*Sigh*

I'm trying to be more optimistic about things. It's working, to an extent. I keep trying to remind myself that I got a new car, I have two jobs, I'm doing alright *I think* in school, and I have awesome friends and an awesome boyfriend. I just keep trying to remind myself of that.

I was thinking about trying to do a one-year-kill-myself-and-have-no-life program for Secondary when I switch, but I guess I'm just going to do the regular two years, NOT kill myself and drive myself crazy, and just do two years. It'd be nice to be done sooner, but it'd also be nice not to be pulling out my hair and killing myself. I'm sure Anthony and everyone else that has to listen to me bitch all the time now would agree. I'm sure they're nice and sick of me complaining by now. So I figure I'll try to get a job in a high school next year as a TA, and if I can't, maybe I'll be able to get a job at the Ark again. If not, hopefully I'll be able to work more hours at the library, but any way around it, I think I'll be ok.

The only thing bothering me really now, is my inability to sleep. Well, and I guess my inability to manage my time, but that's controllable. The sleeping thing isn't as controllable. I'm dead tired all the time, I try my hardest not to take naps so I'll sleep at night, and then still can't sleep. Or I fall asleep and can't stay asleep. Today I fucked myself over though because I fell asleep and slept for a few hours from like 5-8, so I'm hoping I can still sleep at all tonight. Hopefully I can.

Did go out this weekend to celebrate my birthday with Anthony and Drew and Jules. That was fun. I wish we all had more time to hang out and do stuff. I know from here on out it's only going to get worse. It's camp season, so we'll see each other probably, but it'll be at camp doing work. Oh well.

Song lyrics, as usual...

Live a life less ordinary
Live a life extraordinary with me
Live a live less sedentary
Live a live evolutionary with me
Well I hate to be a bother
But it's you and there's no other, I do believe
You can call me naïve but...
I know me very well (at least as far as I can tell)
And I know what I need

The night you came into my life
Well it took the bones of me, took the bones of me
You blew away my storm and strife
And it shook the bones of me, shook the bones of me
By the way, I do know why you stayed away...
I will keep tongue-tied next time

Live a life less ordinary
Live a life extraordinary with me
My face had said too much
Before our hands could even touch
To greet a "hello"
(So much for going slow...)
A little later on that year
I told you that I loved you dear
What do you know?
This you weren't prepared to hear
I'm a saddened man. I'm a broken boy
I'm a toddler with a complex toy
[ Carbon Leaf Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]
I've fallen apart, since the ambush on your heart

The night you came into my life
Well it took the bones of me, took the bones of me
You blew away my storm and strife
And it shook the bones of me, shook the bones of me
By the way, I do know why you stayed away...
I will keep tongue-tied but...

Honey understand. I won't make demands
Honey understand. We could walk without a plan
Honey understand. I won't rest in stone all alone
Honey understand. I'm all ready to go
But you already know...

Live a life less ordinary
Live a life extraordinary with me
If I could name you in this song
Would it make you smile and sing along?
This is the goal: to get into your soul
If I could make you dance for you
Could that be the second-chance decoy?
The bird-in-hand I would need
To help you understand?

The night you came into my life
Well it took the bones of me, took the bones of me
You blew away my storm and strife
And it shook the bones of me, shook the bones of me
By the way, I do know why you stayed away...
I will keep tongue-tied next time
-Carbon Leaf - Life Less Ordinary

...

Tue, 10 Feb 2009 18:49:45 GMT

I just want to give up.

I don't know if this is what I want to do with the rest of my life...

December!?!

Sun, 21 Dec 2008 03:44:55 GMT

How it's less than a week to Christmas I can't figure out. Doesn't seem like so much time went by already. Guess I should be happy. Excited for Christmas and giving people things, and getting things too, but i like giving people things and seeing their reactions *hopefully good ones lol*

Filled out christmas cards tonight. only had about half as many as i needed. have to go buy more. yeah i know, i'm a little behind, should have done them like a week ago *at least.* oh well, better late than never right?

So, first semester of grad school done and over with. A in one class, waiting for the other grade still. Grades were due from faculty today, so hopefully I'll see the other grade tomorrow. Better be tomorrow, I'm not patient with this stuff lol. I feel a lot less pressure now that I dropped the Literacy half. Graduate school doesn't seem so impossible now. Still a part of me that feels like I'm taking the easy way out, but ya know what, sometimes you need to. I can do other things later. I'll live.

I love my class. They're so cute lol. Still want to strangle them sometimes, but they're still awesome. Gonna miss them when the year is over. I actually wouldn't mind going back to the Ark next year. Gotten used to it, and it's not a bad job. Most of the staff is pretty awesome too. We'll see what happens during the second half of the year.

I feel like I really don't have much to say. I suppose I should go finish wrapping presents, but I still have a few days before that really has to be done, so it can wait until Monday. Am pretty happy about having nearly a week off from both jobs. After Tuesday, I don't work at the library again until the following Monday. Will be nice to have some time off. Proly be bored out of my mind, but it'll still be nice to relax a little.

Oh, and clean. And clean. And clean. I have lots of cleaning and laundry to do. So maybe I won't be so bored lol.

Guess it's time to do a few things and get ready for bed. Gnight all.

This time I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life
The one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough
So I'll be waiting for the real thing.
I'll know it by the feeling.
The moment when we're meeting
Will play out like a scene straight off the silver screen
So I`ll be holdin my breath
Right up to the end
Until that moment when
I find the one that I'll spend forever with

`Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There`s gotta be somebody for me like that.

`Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they?re not alone.
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere.
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.

Tonight out on the street out in the moonlight
And damn it this feels too right
It?s just like Deja Vu
Me standin here with you
So I?ll be holdin`my breath
Could this be the end?
Is it that moment when
I find the one that I spend forever with?

Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There's gotta be somebody for me like that.

`Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they?re not alone.
Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.

You can't give up!
When you're Lookin? for a diamond in the rough
Because you never know when it shows up
Make sure you?re holdin` on
Cause it could be the one, the one you're waiting on

Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There has gotta be somebody for me
Ohhhhhh.

Nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they?re not alone.
Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There `s gotta be somebody for me out there.

Nobody wants to be the last one there
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There has gotta be somebody for me out there.
-Gotta Be Somebody - Nickelback

What to do, what to do...

Sun, 26 Oct 2008 23:50:23 GMT

Soooooo... as always, I don't know what I want to do.

Here is my dilemma as best I can explain it all :

I am not sure if I want to keep Literacy as my dual major. I am thinking about dropping down to just Childhood Education.
There are some pros and cons to this decision.

Pro - I will be done and have a Master's Degree much quicker than if I were to stay in the Literacy dual major program.
Pro - I will not completely lose my mind in Grad School.
Pro - It will be a more manageable work load.
Pro - I will be able to get my degree done, hopefully get a job, and then, if I so choose, or if my job wishes me to, I could continue afterward with Literacy classes, especially since I would have to do professional development anyway.

Con - Dropping the Literacy half may reduce my chances of obtaining a job.
Con - I will not stand out as much as other candidates when searching for a job in the respect of having a Literacy double major. *However, I WILL stand out in the respect of having done a FULL YEAR internship, and having said internship be in a city school district, which may help balance out losing the Literacy half of my degree, especially if I can get a good reference.*
Con - I will feel like I failed because I backed out of trying something harder than I would normally try.

To add on to all of this, I am still second-guessing myself on whether I picked the right program to go into in the first place, or if I should have gone for my MAT in English to teach high school English. I do like working with the older elementary kids. I like my fifth graders, despite all the hell they put me through. But I do think I would like high schoolers as well, plus you could do lots of books with them, and all kinds of cool writing assignments. I've always been a book nerd. So, I dunno. It's just hard for me to decide.

So if anyone has any input they would like to offer, feel free. I'm just so tired.

Life? What life?

Sat, 06 Sep 2008 22:21:23 GMT

So, here it is, September, and I have no life. Not that I'm overly surprised, but still not the most fun thing in the world. I work 7:30 am to 3:30 pm Mon-Fri, have Grad classes 6-9 Wed and Thurs, work 2:30-5:30pm Sundays, plus whatever other shifts I pick up from the library. Now I know things could be MUCH worse. I do realize that. However, I'm just afraid that I'm going to get so busy between school, working, homework, and class that I won't have time to talk to anyone, or that the people I do see I will drive nuts and be bitchy to.

I'm already starting to lose my mind and it's only been one week. Only had classes once so far, and only had kids two days at school. This is going to be one hell of a long year. And I can't imagine next year will be any better. Great.

I do know I get myself into this mess, and I have no one to blame but myself. But honestly, what the fuck else would I do if I hadn't gone to Grad school? However, when I start to balance that with the fact of how much Grad school costs, and the fact that I don't know if I'll make it through, it kinda seems like not doing Grad school and getting a job might have been the better move financially. That way I would only have my debt from Brockport, have a full-time job *possibly, if I could find one that is* and not have to deal with the stress of classes and homework. But then I think that's the escapists' route.

I don't know. I just hope I don't fuck up. That would be a nice change.

And I'm not even fucking smart enoguh to fucking find the damn articles I need to do my damn homework. jesus fucking christ. what the fuck am i doing in grad school?

I'm so fucking aggrivated right now

i just want to fucking give up

Life

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 00:09:37 GMT

Sometimes I really wish I knew what the fuck gets me so upset sometimes. I mean come on, what the hell do I really have to bitch about?

Nothing. And yet, I still get upset about so many things.

Or I get into a mood where I just can't stop crying, even when there's not even anything wrong. Who the fuck does that? Why the hell do I cry when nothing is even wrong? The only thing I can think of is my hormones are fucked up because of not having my pill this month, but seriously? THIS much of a reaction? WTF?

I can't seem to concentrate on anything, I can't seem to get anything done, I can't even concentrate to read more than like 50 pages in a book. I've started three books in the past like 2 weeks and haven't finished any of them.

I feel so fucking lazy, and feel like I should get off my fucking ass and do something. What am I doing? Writing in my fucking livejournal. God I'm fucking pathetic.

I just feel like nothing is going right, and I don't know how to fix it.

And I'm having SERIOUS second thoughts about Grad School...I don't know if I can do it, I really don't. I just feel like it's going to be one HUGE waste of money. The only problem is, if I DON'T go to grad school, I have NO FUCKING CLUE what I would do with my life otherwise. And I don't like quitting or failing, but I am SO scared I can't even put it into words. I've always been a screw up, always will be, I don't know why I'm trying to make a goddamn fool out of myself by trying to make people think I may soemday make something of myself. Because I know that will never happen. I don't know if I can be a good teacher. I don't know if I can even make it far enough to be a damn teacher. I'm not good at anything, have no outstanding talents, and have no clue what the hell I'm going to do for the rest of my life.

Someone shoot me and put me out of my misery please.

And to top it all off........

*sigh*

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 00:24:49 GMT

I'm just so sick of being me

Spring

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 03:07:38 GMT

Today it finally felt a little bit like Spring! I wore my flipflops! That alone made me happy!

Been in a much better mood the past few days. Really starting to feel like things are starting to fall into place. Bought my cap and gown today. And my parents are putting the money they owe me in my bank account tomorrow so I can pay my deposit for Sage, which thrills me to no end! I'm actually starting to get excited about signing up for classes and Grad School.

Classes haven't been to bad recently either, so I think that's helping with the good moods too. Break did wonders for everyone's spirits I think. Melissa's happy because she leaves for Texas in less than a week, Elizabeth is better because she went away and she's going home a lot for the rest of the year, and her friend had a baby, and I think we all just were glad for the break.

I think another reason I'm in a good mood is because I am gonna get to go to a few Yankees games this summer! Sooooo happy about that! Can't wait! And this time we'll actually know where we're going, which should help a little lol. But it was a lot of fun, and I'm sure it will be this year too!

*Man, I'm using a lot of exclaimation points in this entry...lol*

But I suppose it's bedtime, up for classes all day tomorrow, as usual. I'm even happy about that, what is wrong with me lol. I guess it's finally starting to really sink in that I'm graduation in a little over a month...that's completely and utterly amazing to me...

Goodnight world!

Ok...

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 06:15:38 GMT

Sooo... Looking up classes and such for Sage. Yay for a few more years of school... *Sigh* Oh well, I'm the one that wants to keep going to school lol. Hopefully it'll pay off someday. I really, really, hope lol.

Trying to figure out how many classes I'm going to have to take outside of normal Fall/Spring semesters. If I wanna get done in two years I have to do more than just Fall and Spring. But again, always about money, but with loans in theory that shouldn't be a problem. So, who knows. I did have it figured out at one point, so I know it is in theory possible. And getting Child Psych done know will help a little too.

So as soon as I get my deposit paid, I can start trying to figure out my schedule, at which point I'm probably going to recruit Jules for a little bit of help lol. Hopefully getting an application filled out soon so maybe I'll have a job like a real grown up when I get home in May, that would be nice... So here's hoping.. lol. Then maybe I won't be flat friggin' broke like I am now... *sigh* one can hope.

Hopefully going and buying my cap and gown tomorrow, which in theory means I'm really graduating! WOOHOO! Maybe getting my deposit paid tomorrow, we'll see though. That might wait a few days. Then maybe some more relaxing tomorrow since it's another day off, and maybe some more laundry too, since I forgot about some other clothes that need to get washed too, oopps lol.

And YAY for the nice weather! I might be able to start wearing my FLIPFLOPS soon!!!!! We all know what that means...once those come out, I don't go back to real shoes unless I HAVE to... ;p

Ok, but since it's almost 1:30 in the morning, I guess it's bedtime.

*********

Well if I can ever find some damn song lyrics to post I'll go to bed lol...it's like almost 2, and I can't find a damn song I want to put the lyrics up. Grr. lol

Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel

Believe, believe in me, believe
Believe that life can change
That youre not stuck in vain
Were not the same, were different tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight

And you know youre never sure
But youre sure you could be right
If you held yourself up to the light
And the embers never fade in your city by the lake
The place where you were born

Believe, believe in me, believe
Believe in the resolute urgency of now
And if you believe theres not a chance tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight

Well crucify the insincere tonight
Well make things right, well feel it all tonight
Well find a way to offer up the night tonight
The indescribable moments of your life tonight
The impossible is possible tonight
Believe in me as I believe in you, tonight
-Tonight, Tonight - Smashing Pumpkins

Sat, 29 Mar 2008 01:57:51 GMT

Is it getting better?
Or do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you now?
You got someone to blame
You say
One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it

Did I disappoint you?
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's

Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to
carry each other
carry each other
One

Have you come here for forgiveness?
Have you come to raise the dead?
Have you come here to play Jesus?
To the lepers in your head

Did I ask too much?
More than a lot.
You gave me nothing,
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
See we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love is a higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't keep holding on
To what you got
When all you've got is hurt

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters and my
Brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

One...
One...
-One -U2

Dorkiness! lol

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 01:38:50 GMT

hahahahahah...soooo Melissa and I are watching Dont' Forget the Lyrics, and I decided to look up some lyrics...lol

You should've seen by the look in my eyes, baby
There was somethin missin
You should've known by the tone of my voice, maybe
But you didn't listen
You played dead
But you never bled
Instead you lay still in the grass
All coiled up and hissin

And though I know all about those men
Still I don't remember
Cause it was us baby, way before then
And we're still together
And I meant, every word I said
When I said that I love you I meant
That I love you forever

And I'm gonna keep on lovin you
Cause it's the only thing I wanna do
I don't wanna sleep
I just wanna keep on lovin you

(solo)

And I meant every word I said
When I said that I love you I meant
That I love you forever
-REO Speedwagon - Keep On Lovin' You

I can't fight this feeling any longer.
And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow.
What started out as friendship,
Has grown stronger.
I only wish I had the strength to let it show.

I tell myself that I can't hold out forever.
I said there is no reason for my fear.
Cause I feel so secure when we're together.
You give my life direction,
You make everything so clear.

And even as I wander,
I'm keeping you in sight.
You're a candle in the window,
On a cold, dark winter's night.
And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might.

And I can't fight this feeling anymore.
I've forgotten what I started fighting for.
It's time to bring this ship into the shore,
And throw away the oars, forever.

Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore.
I've forgotten what I started fighting for.
And if I have to crawl upon the floor,
Come crushing through your door,
Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore.

My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you.
I've been running round in circles in my mind.
And it always seems that I'm following you, girl,
Cause you take me to the places,
That alone I'd never find.

And even as I wander,
I'm keeping you in sight.
You're a candle in the window
On a cold, dark winter's night.
And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might.

And I can't fight this feeling anymore.
I've forgotten what I started fighting for.
It's time to bring this ship into the shore,
And throw away the oars, forever.

Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore.
I've forgotten what I started fighting for.
And if I have to crawl upon the floor,
Come crashing through your door,
Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore.
-Reo Speedwagon - Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore

Happy?

Sun, 10 Feb 2008 22:17:12 GMT

So I've noticed I have this nasty habit of only updating this when I'm upset or mad or something, not usually when I'm happy. So I figured for once I would at least post when I'm indifferent or kinda in a good mood instead of when I'm freaking out about something lol.

Although I have a boring life and not much to report lol. But I am getting a new computer...that's definitely something that makes me happy! So that means I have no more dilemma about whether to get a new computer for grad school or not lol. Now I'll just have to extend the warrantee, that's all. I can live with that lol.

And I also got my letter from the college saying as long as I pass all my classes this semester I can graduate in May, always a good thing. So, barring any big catastrophe, I should be done with Brockport in May! Woohoo!

My passport is waiting for me at home, which is also helpful, not planning on needing it anytime soon, but will be handy to have in case there are any impromptu trips to Canada lol. Just makes me feel better knowing I have it. Not exactly sure why lol.

So now the only major thing in my life I'm waiting for is to hear from Sage about if I got in or not. Hopefully this week. I'm trying to be more patient about it than I have been, but it's hard. But hopefully this week before I get home. Then other planning and such can take place, and I can start working on my FAFSA for next year.

Classes aren't too bad this semester yet, in fact they're actually kinda fun in some cases, so hopefully this will be a decent semester to end on. That makes me kind of happy lol.

Soon it'll be time to buy my cap and gown...yay...but I guess the outrageous amount I have to pay for that is worth being able to walk across the stage and known I never have to come back to Brockport EVER again if I don't want to lol.

But I think I've babbled enough for one entry. So I'll leave it at that.

Underneath your clothes
There's an endless story
There's the man I chose
There's my territory
And of all the things
I deserve
For being such
A good girl honey
-Underneath Your Clothes - Shakira

Sooo

Wed, 06 Feb 2008 02:47:30 GMT

Sooo I'm really not good at this whole waiting to hear back from Sage about Grad School. Patience isn't always my strongest virtue, but I'm worse than normal about this. Blah. I just wanna know lol.

School

Sat, 02 Feb 2008 00:00:11 GMT

It's my last semester here at Brockport. I'm happy, but scared. I don't know how many times I've said recently that I'm scared. I'm scared about Grad School, I'm scared about life after here, I'm just so scared about everything. I don't know what's going on. I don't know what I want right now. I don't know if Grad School is going to work. I don't know if I'll be able to handle it. I can't handle just waiting to find out if I got in or not. I don't know. I want to go to Grad School and be a teacher, but I don't know if I'm going to be a good teacher or not, and I'm so afraid of failing. I don't know what I'll do if i fail. I don't know what else I could do. I'm not good at anything. I don't want to work retail for the rest of my life. I want to have a job that makes a different in the world. I want to do something real with my life, not just flounder through my entire life. It almost makes me sick just thinking about all this stuff. I just want something solid in my life. I want some sort of solid ground to stand on. I need to find something deep down that can keep me going through this. I hope I find it soon.

Almost the end of the semester

Thu, 13 Dec 2007 03:37:49 GMT

Can't wait to be done. Almost there. Then I can sleep in a real bed, eat real food, and not have to do homework for six weeks. Then back out here for a few more months, then I'll GRADUATE! I soo can't wait. A lot still has to be figured out, but nearly all of that will hinge on what happens over break when I apply to Sage. But if all goes as planned in that department, I'm hoping everything else will kinda, like, fall into place lol. I just can't wait to be done, have I said that already? lol

Oh and people are stupid. I keep hearing about people breaking up and how stupid one or both of the significant others are afterwards, and it just doesn't seem worth all the anxiety and fighting and trouble. I just don't get it. People are stupid sometimes. lol It just seems so silly.

Hmmmmm I suppose I should maybe clean up some more, or maybe do that damn works cited page...hmm something constructive at least... though not like I haven't done anything today considering I worked at Macy's 9-5, went straight to a final at 530, then came back here, chilled for just a little while, then finished up my paper, so I've done at least some constructive things today. Speaking of that final, know one semester grade already, an A-. I can live with that. Was hoping for an A in that class, but I'll take the A- lol.

But I think it's time to do something again. ;p

More done...

Wed, 31 Oct 2007 16:00:44 GMT

Dropped off my transcript request today, so one more thing to mark off on my checklist for Grad School. I need to suck it up and ask Ortiz for a letter of recommendation tomorrow. Then I'd really be almost all set for when I go home in December.

I swear if she wasn't my mother I wouldn't talk to her.

So...

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 23:29:18 GMT

So, dropped off the paperwork for my Music Minor and to drop my Philosophy Minor, which is good. Hopefully that will all get taken care of on my DARS and Angel in the next couple of weeks. As long as it's fixed before the end of the semester that's all I care really.

And when I talked to Natalie today she told me to just e-mail Hullfish about doing an Independent Study class next semester and that he probably won't have a problem with it. And also since I won't be taking Music and Child on Wednesday nights next semester, I'll have Wednesday completely off to work if I want to, which would mean I could work 24 hours during the week without working weekends. I would like that. And then maybe I could still work SOME weekends, but not all weekends. *Sigh* Trying to keep my hopes up about working and classes for next semester.

Plus if I get Child Psych out of the way here next semester, one less class for Sage. So even if I don't end up taking any online or Winter/Summer classes, I'll still at least have one class done.

Also, today we got back a quiz in Standard English, did decently I guess since he said a lot of people would probably get this grade dropped because he's dropping the lowest quiz grade, and I got an 81, so I did alright. Since my lowest quiz grade that I know of is a 73, that as of right now will get dropped, so as long as I did alright on the quiz last week, and if I do alright on the one on Thursday, my quiz average shouldn't be too horrible. Plus Katrina and I are planning on studying together for both the quiz, and for the test next Thursday. So I'm hoping I can pull off like a B+ or an A- in Standard English, which would be good considering how bad the beginning of the semester was with the whole Latin thing.

I've gotten almost everything at least set to be ready for my Grad school stuff. Just need to stop by the registrar sometime soon to drop off my transcript request, which I'm glad I can do that before I leave, rather than have to wait. So basically the only things left to do that are in my hands are; drop off that paperwork at the registrar, finish my career goals essay, ask for one more letter of recommendation, tweak my resume with Sally, go and do the written critical analysis once I'm home, and just gather everything and send it in. Seems like a lot when I write it out, but it's really not in my mind. And after all that, all I'll be able to do is wait. And worry, we can't forget the worrying, because we all know I'll be doing LOTS of that.

I do feel like things are starting to fall into place though. Things are looking up again. I just need to keep up with school for the last few weeks, and hopefully get some more hours at Macy's, and maybe get a job set for when I go home. Then just a few more months and I'll be done with Undergrad FOREVER!!! I can't believe I'm graduating in a little more than 6 months. Scary as all hell. But I think things are going to be ok. I really do.

I know it seems like I keep saying the same things over and over again in my entries, but writing it out helps me keep my thoughts organized, and helps me calm down a little because I'm getting all my thoughts out. So sorry for the repetitiveness, but I need it ;p.

Sigh

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 00:46:27 GMT

I need to quit it with this whole being ambitious thing, it's going to put me more in the poor house than I already am.

Ever since I decided I definitely wanted to be a teacher, that meant Grad school, and more debt. Lovely. Now that I've decided I want to get some classes done outside of whichever Grad school I get into, it means spending more money now, out of pocket instead of the loans I'll have when doing Grad school, which is good in a way, but not good too, because I don't have a lot of, or hell, ANY extra money, but I know in the long run it will be good. It's just the whole coming up with the $500-$1,000 dollars I'll need to take those online or winter or summer classes at HVCC or ACC before next fall.

But as long as I do get more hours this semester from Macy's, hopefully I should have enough money to cover if I want to take a winter class, and then hopefully I'll be working over break, which would pay back my parents if I need to borrow some from them, and give me gas money, money for my phone, and anything else I need money for, like maybe food ;p.

I just have to keep reminding myself that taking these prerequisites at HVCC or ACC will be a LOT cheaper than taking them at Sage *or wherever I end up going* and that it may mean finishing in two years rather than more than that. Finishing quicker alone is enough to make the winter or online or summer class(es) worth it.

So another thing to add to my list of things for me to worry about in the next month or so. Yay. Hopefully it will all work out. I'm trying to stay positive about everything. Easier said than done.

But I have been mapping out next semester and as much as I can about Grad school while I sit in my classes during the day. I know, not exactly what I'm supposed to be doing, but at least it's somewhat productive. I still pay attention, so I don't see the harm. I'm just really hoping that if I get one class out of the way at Brockport, then one, maybe two more classes before I start at Sage or wherever, then I'd have almost a full semester done before I even get there, which would rock.

Plus I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to finish up my Music Minor since the college is stupid. But I'm going to talk to Professor Sarrazin tomorrow, and see if there aren't any of the History classes I need if I can do Independent Study, and she likes me, so hopefully she'll help me out.

Okay, I think it's dinnertime, and I've babbled enough for now.

Scared

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 02:40:52 GMT

I'm still so scared...

I don't want to fuck up...

I don't want to screw up...

I want to do something right...

I'm sick of being a screw up...

I just hope to god that I didn't mess up too much already so much that it can't be fixed...

I'm trying not to worry...

I'm trying to be optimistic...

I'm trying to remember all the things that are going right in my life...

I'm trying to remember all the other options I'll have even if things don't go as planned...

I'm trying to remember things will work themselves out one way or another...

I'm trying to keep myself calm and just take life one week at a time...

I'm trying to not count the days because that will make it seem longer...

I'm trying to plan things out as much as I can to keep myself sane...

I'm trying to find as many options as possible...

...so...yeah..can I stop now?

Thu, 04 Oct 2007 02:19:36 GMT

So I really wish I could find a job that I'm just GOOD at naturally. A job I like, that I'm good at, that I don't feel like an idiot because I don't know anything. I'm just so sick and tired of feeling like a damn idiot at my jobs. Doesn't matter which job it is, I just feel like an idiot at all of them, and it feels like I'll never be good at anything I ever want to do. That thought scares the hell out of me because I am getting ready to apply to Graduate School, and with this persistent feeling like I'll never find something that I'm good at that I like, and I keep thinking that I'm going to go to Grad School for two years, then try to work and realize it's another job that I'm no good at. I just feel like that's how my whole life is going to go - like no matter what I do, what I try, where I work, I'm not going to be good at anything, never excel at anything, always be failing and messing things up. I'm so goddamn scared of never accomplishing anything, of never becoming anything. I don't mean becoming anything as in like changing the world, just like never finding my niche, never finding my place in the world, never doing anything worth anything. To me, that is one of the scariest things I've ever felt in my life. I like to believe I'm not scared of too many things in life, but this is definitely one of the biggest things.

I don't know. I just don't know. I just hope everything works itself out in the end like I'm so convinced it will for everyone else. Why can't I convince myself that I'll be ok when I spend so much time believing and convincing other people everything will work out and be ok in the end?

2:24 am

Sun, 23 Sep 2007 06:24:57 GMT

I strongly dislike people at this current moment in time.

That is all.

Oh.

And, I really want to go to bed right now. But I want it to be next weekend.

The end.